We’ve all done it at some point – something for which we have hurt someone else or have wronged someone in some way – something for which we feel compelled to apologize. We’re human, most of us, and as a fallible human being, we have all made mistakes.
Some will tell you the true measure of a person is not in the number of mistakes they make, but rather in the way they handle those mistakes once made. That’s where apologies come into the picture. However, most people don’t know how to apologize properly and by the same token, many don’t know how to properly accept an apology once given.
We’ll discuss how to accept an apology in a later article, but for now, let’s take a look at how to apologize in four easy steps.
When you have wronged someone in some way, intentionally or not, and you would like to repair the wrong done to them or at least repair the rift in the relationship that the wrong caused, an apology is usually one of the first steps in the process of righting that wrong.
Before you can apologize though, you must know what it is for which you should apologize. Not only should you know what you are apologizing for, but the person to whom you extend your apology should know too.
That’s why the first step in how to apologize is to identify the behavior or the wrong that was done. This step you do for yourself, internally. You must discover what you did that caused the rift, and then you can reach out to the person to whom you have in some way wronged or offended and extend the apology to them.
So the first step in how to apologize is: Identify the behavior for which you will offer an apology.
Have you ever had someone give a backhanded apology? You know, the type where they are apologizing, but you’re not quite sure for what they are apologizing?
For example, someone can apologize for hurting your feelings, but not actually apologize for the action which hurt your feelings.
Is there a difference? Sure there is.
For example, you stay out late one night and don’t bother to call and tell your wife / husband / parent / significant other / etc that you’re going to be late. When you come home, that other person is upset with you for not having called.
Now, you can apologize by saying, “I’m sorry you’re upset” but that is what is known as a backhanded apology and will probably do little to repair the rift or change the other person’s opinion.
Instead, if you were to offer, “I’m sorry that I didn’t call, and I’m sorry that not calling upset you” you are actually offering a much better apology.
The second step in how to apologize is: Tell the other person what the wrong was you did to them or why you are apologizing when you offer your sincere apology.
The next step is usually the hardest part of the process. An apology for a behavior that happens repeatedly and shows no sign of changing is hard to accept, so in order to learn how to apologize properly, you need to learn how to change the behavior that hurt someone or caused the rift in the relationship.
When you offer your apology, not only should it be sincere, but you should also offer a solution to the problem, whether that is past or future – or both. For example, using the scenario of forgetting to call to say you would be late, you can offer something such as:
“I know I’ve forgotten to call in the past, and this is something I need to change.”
OR
“I know I should have called, and I will make every effort to remember next time.”
This is offered with your apology, so that not only are you saying you’re sorry, but you are offering a solution to the problem, an assurance that it won’t happen again or that if things do happen again, you will handle the situation different.
An apology offered for repeated behavior that never changes begins to mean very little.
The next step in how to apologize is: Ask the other person how you can repair the rift caused by your behavior, or offer the other person a solution to the problem.
The courts call it restitution, but in the practical sense, when you offer an apology to someone, you should also offer so way of remedying the situation that caused you to need to apologize in the first place.
Basically, you need to find some way to ‘make it up to them’. Now, this step may not always be necessary, since a simple assurance that the behavior is not likely to happen again is often sufficient, provided the behavior does change.
However, let’s say you dented someone’s car with your lawnmower. One way to make it up to the other person would be to offer to pay for the damage. An apology that also seeks a solution to repair the situation, whatever it may be, is always the best way to apologize.
The last step in how to apologize is pretty simple: Make every effort to change the behavior that has caused the rift in the relationship.
Again, you’re human just like the rest of us, you’re going to make mistakes, and sometimes, you’ll make the same mistake more than once, but the effort to change, if evident to the other person, can help your apology mean more and go further toward repairing that rift you caused.
Keep these four simple how to apologize steps in mind:
1. Identify the behavior for which you should apologize.
2. Offer your sincere apology along with an explanation of why you are apologizing.
3. Offer a solution to the problem or an assurance that the behavior will change.
4. Make every effort to resolve the issue or change the behavior.
If you keep these four easy steps about how to apologize in mind, and practice them when the occasion arises for you to apologize, your apologies will mean more and will repair rifts and diffuse problem situations before they get out of hand and cause permanent damage to your relationships.
