Saying, “I’m sorry” has often been said to be one of the most difficult things for a person to say. Knowing that apologizing is never an easy task, because it makes the other person vulnerable and admitting a fault or wrongdoing, it is important to learn how to accept an apology, or even if you should accept an apology, and what accepting an apology means.

If someone has done a wrong that has harmed you in some way, whether emotionally, physically, or monetarily, that person may or may not feel a need to apologize, but if they do, and they would like to make amends, you now have to decide several things:

1. Do you want to accept the apology?

2. Can the other person make amends?

3. Will you be able to extend trust back to that person again?

4. Do you want to reconcile with that person?

Let’s look at the first decision, deciding to accept the apology.

If you are not able to truly forgive the person, then it is not proper to accept the other person’s apology. Accepting an apology is the same as agreeing that you understand why they wronged you and that they are going to attempt not to wrong you again. If you don’t truly understand and are not willing to accept that person’s apology, then it’s not right to offer a flippant, “That’s okay” response.

In fact, saying, “That’s okay” to an offered apology does more harm than anything else, because it’s almost as though you are saying you condone the behavior that caused the person to need to apologize. It’s not okay, or the other person would not have felt the need to offer the apology in the first place!

The second part of accepting an apology is deciding whether or not the other person can and is willing to make amends. For some minor wrongdoings, a simple assurance that the behavior will not be repeated is enough to make amends and accept the apology.

But for larger harms done to you, it’s possible that before you can truly accept another’s apology, you may need to consider whether the person can make and is willing to make amends, to somehow make restitution for the wrong done.

Accepting an apology is pretty much the same thing as forgiving someone for what they’ve done, inside of yourself, and therefore, you have to decide if you do accept that person’s apology and forgive them for the wrong they’ve done to you, can you trust that person not to make the same mistake that wounded you again?

Until you are able to extend that trust to that person again, or until you decide you cannot extend that trust and dissolve the relationship, you should not accept an apology from that person.

This ties into the next question to ask yourself. Do you want to reconcile with the other person? It’s okay to hold off on accepting an apology until you feel the person has made amends and you are ready to trust them again – in fact, it’s better if you do not accept the apology until this is done.

If, however, you decide that you cannot reconcile with the person and you will not be able to trust them again, then it is okay to tell the other person that you wish to dissolve the relationships, based on not being able to trust that person not to repeat the same wrongdoing that hurt or harmed you in some way.

After you have made this decision, you can accept that person’s apology for the wrongdoing and forgive them and then you both move on about your lives, without repairing the rift between you. Forgiveness isn’t something you extend to the other person, but rather something you do inside of yourself, for yourself. Accepting the other person’s apology is something you can extend to the other person – but neither accepting an apology or forgiving that person requires that you reconcile with them and allow them to hurt you again.

The best way to accept an apology is to simply let the other person know, clearly, that while what they did harmed you in some way, you choose to believe they will not, or at least will attempt, not to harm you again. If the other person cannot express the reason for their apology, then the behavior is likely to continue.

Only you can decide if the wrong done to you that damaged your relationship in some way is able to be repaired enough to accept an apology if one is offered. If it’s true that saying, “I’m sorry” is one of the most difficult things to do and someone who has wronged you is sincerely making an attempt to reconcile that wrong with an apology, you should give that apology the same amount of sincerity and consideration when choosing to accept it as they have in choosing to offer it.

Choosing not to accept an apology should not be a punishment to harm the other person and refusing to accept an apology should not be held over the other person as a revenge tactic either. Only you can decide if you are able to accept an apology openly and honestly, or if you are not able to accept an apology, but that decision should be based solely on your feelings about whether or not you can trust and forgive the other person who has wronged you.

The next time someone apologizes to you, know that it is not an easy thing to offer an apology and admit a vulnerability to another person, and if you treat a sincere apology like the gift that it is, you will be able to easily decide whether it is the right choice for you to accept that apology graciously or refuse to accept the apology and be able to back up your reasons for refusing.