One of the most difficult things to discuss with your child is the death of a loved one. It’s bound to happen, at some point in a child’s life, that a close friend or family member will die. When this happens, not only will you have to face your own grief and feelings of loss, but as a parent or caregiver for a child, you will have to help them deal with the death of a loved one as well.

Death Isn’t a Taboo Subject

Talking to a child about death when you are grieving the loss of a loved one is difficult, but the process of talking with a child about the death of a loved one can be made easier if you have discussed death with the child before someone close to your family dies. Sometimes, this happens when a pet dies, or when the child hears about someone else dying, but parents don’t have to wait until a loved one dies to discuss death.

If you attend church, ask your church leaders to help you discuss death from your religious or spiritual beliefs. After someone dies, many find comfort in their religious beliefs, while others might become angry at God or question the reasons for death in general. If the subject of death from this religious or spiritual aspect is discussed with children prior to someone’s death, it will be easier to remind the child of things you have discussed, instead of introducing new concepts while the child learns to cope with death.

If your family does not have a particular religious or spiritual belief or affiliation, talking to a child about death might cause you to explore your own beliefs about what death is and what it means. It’s perfectly acceptable to tell your child that death is a concept difficult for many people to understand, and that different people view death differently. At this point, parents can share many different cultural beliefs about death with the child.

Tell the Truth, Age-Appropriately

Children are more aware than most adults realize. When a loved one dies, a child is going to ask questions, and he or she deserves honest, age-appropriate answers. One thing to keep in mind is not to try to sugar coat the message with phrases such as: “passed on”, “no longer with us”, and particularly common, “went to sleep and didn’t wake.” These phrases can be very confusing or scary for a child who has no concept of death, and who may then fear going to bed at night, because he or she might not wake up either.

Tell the child in simple language, “He died.” This is not a cruel or harsh statement, but rather a factual reality, and one the child must eventually learn. Of course, your child will likely want to know what death is, and what it means for someone to die, and you will want to answer those questions as best you can, in a way the child can understand for their age.

Again, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell your child you don’t know the answer to their questions if you really don’t know. Your child would rather hear you don’t know than to have you try to answer the question or tell them something they later find out is not true. Don’t break your child’s trust and faith in you, hoping to spare their feelings. Death can be painful, and feelings are part of the grieving process.

It’s OK to Grieve

Children take their cues on how to behave from their parents, and grieving and sadness after the death of a loved one is normal and in fact necessary. When you talk to your child about the death of a loved one, don’t be afraid to be sad or to cry. Show your child that it’s perfectly normal to feel sad when someone dies, because you and your child are going to miss that person in your life. Allow your child tears if they feel sorrow, and allow them to see you cry too. Sometimes, tears show more strength than trying to put on a brave front.

Share Happy Memories

When a loved one dies, you or your child or other family and friends, might be hesitant to talk about the person who has died. If your child wants to talk about that person, let it happen. Share memories that are happy with the child, and this can help lessen the pain, and help the child understand that though someone dies, he or she doesn’t have to just forget them, even though they can’t see them anymore.

Talking to your child about the death of a loved one is never easy, but it’s one of the most loving things you can do, both for yourself and your child. Don’t be afraid to discuss death, sadness and grief. Remind yourself and your child that grief is normal and will eventually pass, and simply be available to answer any questions your child has about death and dying.